


Eleven

by Lilian



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Harry, Changing Tenses, Forgiveness, Language of Flowers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 07:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4698311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilian/pseuds/Lilian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry tries to find what he seeks in life after the end of the war. It takes eleven years to get there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a snarry, so Snape is alive, and also Hedwig, and Remus and Tonks, and Fred, because what the hell. Otherwise I haven't changed anything from the books. English is not my native language, so if anyone feels the kindness inside to beta this or my upcoming longer works, please contact me.

**Eleven**

Snape nodded at him just the tiniest bit before turning away with a flurish of his robes, and Harry heard his voice in his head saying: "Goodbye, Potter". Then the man apparated and Harry was left staring at the ugly streetcorner at St. Mungo's.

"Well, I suppose it is" Harry thought after recalling the previous days he spent at the Potions Master's bedside while the mediwizards tried to restore the man's vocal cords. "But that is just wrong." 

By the day of his discharge, Snape still coudn't (wouldn't?) talk, so they mostly communicated with the use of his Legillimency. As little as Snape was willing to talk to him. Which wasn't much. But still - at least he was alive.

Harry felt… something missing. But it wasn't a nagging, desparate thing which threattened to eat him alive, so he went on with his life and life went on with him.

 

He helped finish Hogwarts' renewal, he got back together with Ginny. He, Ron and Hermione went back for their eight year. He broke up with Ginny. They got their diploma. He started doing the Auror trening at the Ministry. Ginny and he had another fling. He stopped the Auror thing, deciding it wasn't his true calling. He couldn't figure out what his true calling was. He drifted a bit and had plenty pints with Ron and Hermione with unfruitfull conversations every evening. They vowed to remain friends with Ginny, and carefully planned not to meet for two month. He thought a lot about the war, about their losses. About how non- black and white the world was. About Snape. About Dudley, Vernon and Petunia, and everyone in his life, really.

He went clubbing and had sex with strangers every day for a forthnight. After the first five girls, one night he ended up in a man's arm. He liked it, and set out to seek more experiences with male partners. The excitement ebbed a bit, because Hermione got word of his last threesome and went over to give him a thoughough sex-talk including safety and STIs, and the session did a dampher on Harry's libido. His nineteenth birthday caught him by surprise. He went over to babysit Teddy Lupin and quickly fell in love with his little grandson. Remus and Tonks were enthuastic to have more time to themselves and didn't mind Harry amusing their two years old every other afternoon.

He repainted Grimmauld Place and rearranged the whole house until it wasn't so gloomy anymore. He still didn't know what to do with his life. Hermione got him thinking about going to university.

"But what would I study there? I don't even know what am I intrested in!"

Hermione grinned at him.

"As if most of the people who go to university do, Harry. I swear, half of my friends are just as unsure or questioning as you are. Just give it a go, see if it works. You might get a good idea. Better than sitting around."

 

So Harry went. He choose a wizarding university which was in close relations with a muggle one, and he chose a literature/ transformation major, but he visited every course he found intresting. And then he met Chris, and he was in a relationship again. He met up with the Weasleys and got a hearty invite to work at Fred and George's shop. He abandoned university and the WWW's popularity went up a lot. They started having problems with Chris which resulted in another breakup a week after Harry's twentiest birthday.

Harry took Teddy to long walks around a nearby park. He drank with Ron and Hermione, and occasionally went out to see a movie with Ginny and Luna. He helped to plan the opening of Neville's business and was a shameless promoter of the new uncoming Minister, Kingsley. He visited his parents grave. He thought about Snape. And he thought about Sirius and Peter and everyone in his past, really.

Then he went out clubbing again. Drinks with Ron and Hermione. Tried to make Grimmauld Place easier to live in. He went to career-guidence groups. To babysit Teddy.

 

Then there was a point where he thought he might suffocate if he had to continue to live on like this. So one day, he hugged Hermione and Ron tightly, and opened up the map of the world and blindly put his finger on a point. It hit the ocean at first, but then it landed on ground and he promptly brought a plane ticket to India.

The flight was a first in Harry's life, and so was India. He volunteered in a primary magic-school as a teacher, but felt as he learned more from his students then they did from him.

He joined a quidditch team and loved their fucking crazy liberating rules. He met an old woman one day, and they became fast friends. They were so much in sync with each other despite their differences that Harry was convinced he met with his soulmate in Ayushi. She soon invited Harry to live with her, and he was happy to oblige. Then after a few days, Ayushi's son unexpectedly visited them, and they fell in love almost instantly with Harry. But he had a wife and a child another town away, so their romance was mostly unfullfilled and cut short. But Harry experienced real heartbreak for the first time, and it dragged foreward a deep depression in him that was shimmering in his mind since the war of Hogwarts.

 

He didn't know how he avoided it before. It went on for long months, but Ayushi's support helped Harry over it somehow. He spent his 23th birthday there, but slowly started to feel the need to move again. It was hard to leave though. The kids at the school still hadn't failed to amaze him, and Ayushi became family for Harry. He didn't want to say goodbye.

After canceling Harry's portkey for the fifth time, they eventually agreed in a date. He was set out to leave two days after New Years Eve. As the time grew closer, he thought more and more about his old life and affairs back in England. He could see how much he changed, how his opinions changed on matters. He told Ayushi about Sirius, about the Durselys and Snape.

He conjured up images of them of her to see - they were sitting in her garden, drinking mango juice. She let out a small gasp when she saw Snape's face.

"What is it?" Harry asked worriedly.

She looked at him with a twinke in her eye.

"Nothing. But don't you think he looks a bit similar to..."

She hadn't finished the sentence, but Harry immidiately saw the resembelance he hadn't notice before between Ayushi's son and Snape.

"Hmm." He frowned, then let the thing go. "I always wonder about how he's doing."

He proceeded to tell Snape's story to his honorary grandmother, and Ayushi, after listening, said something intresting.

"I think you should let him know that you don't hold any grudges against him."

"What? Why? And, wait, I'm not sure that is true, actually. He did make my studenthood a living hell..."

Ayushi clicked her tounge.

"Do you blame him for your parent's death? Or your godfather's?"

Harry didn't have to think through his answer at all.

"Of course not. He was involved in both cases in some ways, but... no. Not more than I can blame myself for them." He added, feeling his throat close.

"And still, though you know it's not your fault, you blamed yourself. Don't you think he does the same? You should let him know he is forgiven, otherwise you might not find closure to all this history between yourselves."

 

 


	2. 2

Harry thinks about Snape back in England and tries to find a way to start communicating with the man. It doesn't help that he has no idea where Snape is (or was ever since they parted at Hogwarts years ago) nor that he is absolute pants at writing letters, and that he doesn't want to forcefully find him in case he doesn't wishes to be found. Okay, so he has doubts about the man still.

Then he somehow recalls that Snape's birthsday is in two days, and there comes the muse.

 

"It's not essential that you find him" He tells Hedwig a day later, giving the bird instructions. "If the food from your sack runs low or if something else happens, get back to me immediately. It's just an attempt, and your well-being is more important to me than that. All right?"

 

Hedwig hoots and sets to find Snape with a white tulip and a note.

The note says _"Happy birthday! I hope you are doing all right, wherever you are. Sincerely, Harry Potter"_. He looked it up, and white tulips mean forgiveness and hope for a new beginning. Harry only hopes for a few words back, but even that would be a small miracle.

 

*

Harry rekindles his relationships - Teddy is quick to adore him again, and it almost takes no time to find the thread with Ron and Hermione as well. He meets Hagrid, Luna, Neville and the Weasleys - they even go to a Hogwart's all houses reunion party and it's strange but nice.

Hedwig gets back 3 weeks later, just when Harry is trying to decide where and what to work. She looks battered but thriumphant, although doesn't actually bring anything to Harry.

Life goes on, and Harry tries all sorts of jobs and meets so many different people, and he visits many places around the world.

 

Every year, he sends a single flower and a couple words for Snape, and the man never writes back. But Harry is content - he knows he can always follow Hedwig one day, and he is quite sure he will, once that something inside him that needs Snape somehow back in his life grows unbearable. Nevertheless, he thinks it will take a while, and he has time, because he learned to grew patient as the war ended.

 

*

Things start to change when Harry is 27 - Ron and Hermione are quietly planning their wedding, Ginny is more famous these days as a professional Quidditch player than Harry ever was as a Boy who Lived - even Luna's crazies tend to become gentler. Teddy is getting ready for Hogwarts, and Harry thinks he finally found what he wants to do - he works at an animal rescue place now. It's all nice and fine, but then, in a way, something is very, very wrong - Harry always feels it under his skin when he goes to bed, a creeping sensation, crawling under, chewing him up. He is craving something, and he can't put a name to it, but it's getting worse every day.

 

Then one Tuesday afternoon Draco Malfoy says:

"It's just what Snape said last month - you can't really..."

They are sitting in the Broomsticks, the six of them: Hermione, Ron, Neville, Draco, Blaise, Luna and him. Draco gravitated into their group two years ago, after he and Neville had a huge fight that ended in hate-sex at one of their reunion. They are going steady for a year now, and both are so smitten with the other that it’s actually quite funny. Harry decided he likes Malfoy after a beer, and he is a constant enough presence in their circle these days that Harry might grow to like him even without the alcohol’s favourable effects. And Blaise is just a sweetheart, with fantastic stories and an impressive poker-face.

Harry turns his head so quicly his neck cramps up.

"What? Snape? You met him? Where?"

Almost everyone at their table stares at him weirdly, and Harry flushes, but doesn't drop it.

"He stayed over at the Manor for a week or so not long ago. Why are you asking?"

More staring. More blushing.

"I'm curious what's up with him." He murmurs reluctantly, his face still burning. Why don't they just look away?

Draco shrugs.

"Nothing much, I'm afraid. He still lives in the States, managing that small bookshop he brought. He visits us every year."

The US? Oh, poor Hedwig.

 

The conversation turns to another ex-professors of theirs after that, but that night Harry notices that it's a bit easier to fall asleep.

 

*

For Snape's 48th birthday, he sends the usual flower and a different message.

_"Happy birthday. Do you think we could meet up? I'd like to talk to you. Awaiting your answer, Harry Potter."_

 

Snape doesn't answer, but a month later Harry hears some rumours that he is moving back to the country.

 

*

It's almost three months later when Harry works up the courage to seek him out in his Sussex home (address curtesy of Draco), and it's May 12th, exactly 11 years since they last saw each other at Hogwarts. 

Snape has a small but neat house and he doesn't really have neighbours. That makes it less awkward when Harry hesitates ten minutes on the porch before knocking.

He does, eventually. He doesn't know why he feels so jittery.

Snape opens the door. He doesn't look any different than the last time Harry saw him.

Harry also gets a lingering once-over, and a small sigh.

"Mr. Potter." Harry lets out a breath. He is glad he's not actively yelled at. "Come in."

"Thank you." Harry says as he steps inside and removes his shoes. Then he offers his hand to Snape. "Harry, please."

Snape's eyebrows twich, but he takes his hand and murmurs: "Severus."

He calls Harry inside and asks: "Tea? Some brandy?"

"I'd like some tea, thank you."

Snape whips his wand in the air and Harry hears the kettle click on. Then the man gestures toward the armchairs with an expression that promises a sooner-rather-than-later end to all polite pleasentaries.

Harry initially thought about at least five things he wanted to ask Snape- Severus, but now can't recall any of them. What comes out instead is:

"Have you got my flowers?"

Snape's smile is full of sarcasm. He doesn't reply anything out loud, but Harry can see amusement in his eyes as he scans him.

"Hm. The reason why I seek you out is... well, you know, ever since you left I had this sense of-- emptiness. Oh, not- not like that, what I mean is- just like we had some unfinished business."

Ah, what the hell. Harry thinks.

"And I feel like I can't properly move on with my life until we've had this... Whatever. Closure."

It is true, and was so in many espects in his life. He met up Dudley, and they keep in touch. He likes Draco. He wants a clean beginning. A clean, unshadowed past. As much as he can have one.

Severus watches him with his intense eyes. When he finally opens his mouth, the kettle whistles.

Tea interlude. Harry tries to not fidget on his chair.

"How do you suppose this 'closure' could be achieved? By talking? Punching me in the face? Calling in your life debt?"

Harry shakes his head. He suddenly feels calm, and the answer is right in front of him.

"Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Severus' eyes widen commically.

"Pardon?"

"I'd like to go on a date with you." Harry smiles at him. Severus keeps blinking, and blushes then promptly gets angry about it.

"What the hell?"

Harry thinks about it, but just can't help it. He feels like he's drunk on luck.

"I can't explain it, I just have a good feeling about it. It doesn't have to be romantic, if you don't want it."

Severus stops pacing and stares at him.

"You completely lost it, haven't you? You are bat-shit-crazy."

Harry grins at him.

"And you have a dirthier mouth than I thought, Professor."

"This doesn't make any sense. I'm not discussing it."

"Have you put away my flowers?"

Severus takes a half step back. He looks simultaneously afraid and guilty. _Ah_ , Harry thinks. _So that's a yes._

"See? It doesn't have to make any sense, although I suspect it really does on some level. Just... give it a chance."

Severus is still seemingly questioning his sanity. Then he simply says: "Get out."

Harry does.

 

He gets a note next day about how rude it was of him to disturb Severus' home with his idiocity and god-awful ideas. Harry smiles at that and writes back:

"Today at seven?"

The answer to that is gloriuosly Snape, and means 'yes' without containing any sort of agrrement.

 

*

"What do you want then?" Severus asks menacingly after the waitress leaves with their order.

"Talk? Get to know you? Tell you that I've forgiven you?

Snape swallows, looks away and almost spits out the words:

"I don't need anyhing from you."

Harry stays silent, not mocking, just pensive.

They don't talk, and their food arrives. Snape fumes while eating, Harry just concentrates on not saying anything.

"Suppose I accept. I have one condition: we never meet again."

Something screams in Harry hearing that. He forces it back forcefully. It's time for technical nonchalentness.

"Are you that afraid of liking me?"

Snape's snort says 'that's ridiculous', but his posture is tense. He lets out a dark, sarcasm-dripping laugh.

"Yes, yes I am! Utterly terrified."

Harry looks him in the eye. Snape's eyes are black, and his gaze darts away once before holding his stubbornly.

"Severus Snape, you are the bravest person I know." It's no more than a whisper.

Severus drops his serviette into his plate and strolls out of the restaurant.

 

Harry lays awake in his bed that night.

 

Severus Snape will not be tamed. Harry leaves him alone and wonders how long will _he_ be alone. Snape is... he's not his romantic intrest, he is much more than that. He is a force that he wants to dominate and be dominated by. It doesn't matter if it's by fists or lips. He just want's to lose himself in it entirely. It's time, because Snape is just a man now, not a puppet, a commerade or his teacher anymore. And Harry is - himself. Ready. Goal-orientated and confident. And he just realises he knew he needed Snape from the moment they said goodbye.

 

*

Snape lets himself into his apartment with a wall-destroying spell in a rainy afternoon. Harry puts his book down on the sofa and feels butterflies in his stomach.

"I killed eleven people, three of them were children. They were all innocent and defenseless."

His dark eyes bore holes into Harry's soul. He stands a minute before him, then turns on his heels and nearly runs.

Harry is quick enough to catch his wrist before he's out the door.

"Severus." He says.

Snape understands. He pushes him away, then sinks to the floor.

"You got eleven flowers from me.” Harry swallows. „See? You’re… We’re even. And… I can give you much more." Harry offers as he sits down next to him.

Severus doesn't meet his eyes. "What do you want in return?"

"...Us."

That word is so profound they both catch their breath as if it's toxic, out in the air between them. They breath. Breath. Breath. 

"I'm not sure-" Severus murmurs, looking at his stained hands.

"I think I am." Harry responds. He touches those hands as if he's touching an antique statue - fingertip after fingertip after fingertip.

Snape sighs. "You don't know."

"I am positive."

 

Their first kiss is tentative and painfull. Harry feels the despair in their mouths as if it's dried blood on a battlefield. It will get better with time.

 

 

 

 

The End. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, tell me what you think! ;)


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